Everyday I Grind

Better...much better..

2008-08-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

Alright so I finally....fina-fucking-ly.....I got the tele-marketing job back. (does the cabbage patch) I started last thursday but only as part time. This thursday they'll finally realized I'm the best tele-marketer in the history of people pissing other people off via the telephone.

I'm also dreadfully close to having a room. I hate that couch so fuckin much...I don't mind sleeping on a couch, any couch other than this one. It's like it fuckin...has an over under it that knows when you're about to fall asleep and then automatically cranks up to 300 degrees.

Oh...and I got my first check yesterday...only for 8 hours worth of work but it's fifty bucks more than I've had in a minute.

And I got a sack!!! First sack I've bought in months!! And it looks like some shit straight outta High Times magazine..crazy shit.

Family...

2008-07-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

First, just a general update on the life. Still haven't gotten a for sure answer on the tele-marketing job, but I call the girl that hires tomorrow so hopefully that goes well.

Bedroom is still not my bedroom which is really got me agitated...closer to being empty so I'm hoping it'll be empty so I can clean it and finally get my shit moved in this weekend.

Now to the meat of the post...I've had a little bit of a revelation over the last few days. I don't have much to do around here at the moment but to think, and I already do that plenty so lately I've really been in analyze mode...and I've been thinking about everything. Now, I've never really gotten along that well with my family, and I've always pretty much hidden the real me from not only my family but from just about every person I know... several reasons such as non-existent self-esteem, being as introverted as I am..and just I guess thinking that people wouldn't like the real me...I try to show them the me they want to see.

Since I was a kid there has been a slowly unfolding time line of my family just...decintegrating before my eyes. I can pick apart the times, the events, I can play them back like a movie in my mind and literally watch my families bond just rip to pieces. My parents never really got along so well, always fightin and shit but they held it together for a really long time for us kids...something they shouldn't have done but ever since then it's all just fallen apart.

My mom and dad don't talk...my brother doesn't talk to my dad or my sister and hardly talks to my mom...but in this all there is a common ally so to speak. Me. The black sheep of the family. I'm nothing like anyone in my family... but in a way that's made it possible for me to maintain contact with everyone. For a long time I hated my dad...and I didn't see or talk to him or my sister. My sister's boyfriend is ...well he's a d-bag.

Now...having mulled over everything that has happened with my family I, as corny as it sounds, have a bit of a revelation while watching "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins" with my sister and her boyfriend(Tom) tonight.

I can try to show them a front that isn't really me. I can avoid them or write them off as a loss. Hell I could start hustlin again right now, be outta my dads house in a month and never see or speak to any of them again in my life. But, that'll never change the fact that they are my family. That'll never change the fact that regardless of how much we piss each other off or how much we become disconnected that I love them, and they love me.

I think a lot about my grandpa VanHaaren these days... I didn't visit him like I should've, I didn't see him or call him or talk to him as much as I should've. But everytime I needed money or a place to stay...he was always there. He was the toughest, meanest old man you'll ever meet so he didn't let me stay for free nor did he just throw me money....I worked my ass off for every penny and he made damn sure of it. I'm never gonna let that happen again.

I'm not going to allow my family to pull themselves away from me... I'm not going to see another family member of mine pass away and have to regret not having stopped by to play bones or throw spades or just bullshit enough. I'm not going to ever live with that feeling again, thinking about how much I might've missed how...how much I could've learned and gained from that person whether it be my brother, sister, mom, dad, cousin, uncle.

I've fucked up thus far, but I refuse to live in fear of losing those people who are truly there for you regardless of whether or not you have been there as of late without having known them. There's a rule that you learn growing up where I grow up, and growing up with the people that I grew up with, and that rule is that you take care of those who take care of you. I slipped on that...that's for sure..but no more.

And while I didn't spend as much time with him as I should've...I think maybe this is what I was supposed to get out of my relationship with my grandpa V...maybe I had to fuck that one up to know to never let that happen again.

I. Hate. Waiting.

2008-07-08T20:57:00.001-07:00

Alright so...now I'm stayin at my pop's. Not the greatest thing to happen to me in a while since I don't get along with 3/4 people that live in this house, and I can't stand my dad's cumbucket's kids...but it is nice to have a place to call "home" again. Or at least until the guy kicks me out again...that's always in the back of my head since it would only be what the...fuck I've lost count but it's happened enough for me to know that I need to watch my step or it's gonna happen again.

In the meantime half of my clothes are in Saginaw at my mom's, pretty much everything I own is on the other side of town at my brother's house, and I'm just bouncing from borrowed space to borrowed space until shit starts clearing itself up.

That's one thing I can't live without. Space. I -need- space. Most of you know me well enough to know that I'm a pretty solitary being. I don't completely seclude myself from the world (close to it but not completely) but I need to have my own space. I need to be able to shut a door and not have anyone around me to read or write songs, make beats, itch my nuts, whatever it is. This is a problem because I currently sleep on the couch and the room that is going to be mine is still piled halfway to the ceiling with car parts. Fantastic.

The only space I get is right now, when everyone is sleeping and I only get that for a short time because my dads woman-thing gets up at like fuckin quarter to three in the morning. She doesn't work until five thirty in the morning but you know how important it is to prepare yourself for a hard day of dropping fries at the local Burger King.

I've actually been waiting all day just to blog. Isn't that a touch sad? I guess rather than actually talking to real people I wait until they're all zombified and talk to the internet.

And I still am waiting to hear what's what about getting my job back at CDI. It's really starting to worry me actually. My cousin called me Sunday and said she would get ahold of me Monday and setup an interview and here I am, six minutes into Wednesday and I haven't heard a fuckin thing from her. I guess I'm gonna try calling up there again tomorrow or if I have to walking up there and seeing what the fuck is going on. Whether I have a job or not I just would like to know what the hell is going on.

Heh, wouldnt' that be a beautiful twist at this point... that'd give the old pop's a good enough reason to jump up my ass on a daily basis.

And believe it or not...I'm being rather positive about the whole thing...nowhere to go but up...although up could be up in flames...

A Long Awaited Return

2008-07-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Soo.... it's been more than a while.

I don't plan to detail everything that has happened since my last post so many months ago, mostly because most of it isn't good and I doubt you all would want to read the majority of it. But I'll summarize if for nothing else than to appease myself.

-Lost job
-Lost Car (soon to get it back though)
-Nearly died (have a 1500 dollar hospital bill to prove it...not to mention a severly tender asshole)
-Got a couple tickets which have now turned into a warrant
-Got kicked out of my brother's place (Now staying with mi madre again.. soon to be staying with pops)
-Put out the first mixtape from Boss Up Records entitled, "Trapped In Muzik" (Get at me if you want a copy..best five dollars you'll ever spend)

That's about where we're at right now. I went today and talked to my cousin Tiffany about getting my job back at this tele-marketing place I was working at towards the end of last year. It's really fun job believe it or not, and she's the manager so she said that I just need to turn in my app today and I will probably get called tomorrow and be working at the latest by Monday.

God damn I love money. Too bad it's all gonna go to bills and paybacks for quite a while. Oh well, I'll have a job, my car back within a month or two, a place to stay....three things I haven't had for the last six months or so.

Music-wise things are going pretty well. I've come lightyears from where I started in every possible area - lyrics, wordplay, beats, creativity, originality, structure...just overall knowing what I need to do and knowing what sounds good and how to make it that way. We've also got quite a few new artists on the label, RockStar Boi and some of his boys outta Saginaw have been puttin in a lot of work lately. We're working on out next mixtape which we're hoping to have out in the fall/winter entitled, "The Boss Up Army" and both Franchize(Chris) and myself are working on our own solo albums. No real time table on the solo projects...I'm really not trying to rush anything I want everything to be perfect...you only get one chance to make a first impression so I'm comin out swinging.

I'll be blogging more frequently now...I'm not gonna lie to myself again and say I'll write everyday but rather being a bit more realistic and saying at least once a week. I actually missed this quite a bit...I don't know why but it's somewhat like a self-therapy to me...I'm not necessarily talking to anyone or "getting it off my chest" to anyone but the simple fact that I know somone is reading this and hearing my words is comforting. Hmm... that gives me an idea...

Depressed

2007-11-08T09:58:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so what's new? How does rock bottom get lower and lower every single day...

I don't really have much to say. Actually I have a million things to say but I don't think anyone wants to read more depressing shit from me.

I really, -really- miss Kim and Joy. More than words can portray.

And to make my day even better I've lost the poem that I wrote when I got back from visiting them in California that I was going to post. One of my favorite pieces I've ever written.

Fuck life.

Hey, ya know what?!

2007-10-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, 'Soulja Boy'...ya know what??

Superman doesn't fly like that you stupid fuck.

Checking In

2007-10-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

Just killing a little time before I head off to work. The landscaping thing has been awesome, good money, an enjoyable work environment(for once) and I really just like physical jobs. Anything physical. It's also actually really cool to see my work pay off in a visual sense. The job we are working right now is in front of some administration building that is on one of the busiest streets we have in Bay City, and it's a bit of a warm fuzzy feeling that I get when I drive by and see how much better my work made something else look.

I've gotten a little case of producer's block lately. I've been stepping the music game up as always but I've been trying to make up some more beats lately, and other than one real tight slower slower piece I haven't really been able to come up with anything hype. To tell you the truth I'm a little frustrated with fruity loops and it's rather narrow selection but I guess I really just need to switch up the sounds and get into changing pitches and effects and things. I would actually like to get the FL bible, which is just a big book that tells you how to do every little thing in fruity loops...Chris has it so I might just see if I can borrow that and see if I can step my game up.

I've got big things on the horizon now that I think about it...I'm about to start up the new myspace, get a soundclick account and test the waters as far as where I'm at making beats. The college thing is fast approaching (I go register and take my compass test later this week) we're about to have the whole booth and studio finished so we can finally start really grinding on the music tip.

I'm also going to start up my 2nd blog again. The gamer blog that so violently crashed into the pristine shores of some unknown island in the middle of the lazy ocean. I figure every word I write is in some way, shape, or form bettering my ability to do just that; write. What do I plan to make my lively hood on? Writing.

Hell, nobody reads this....who the fuck is gonna read the 2nd one?

Something Positive... for a change

2007-10-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I did infact drag my pessimistic self out of the house, got some gas, and went out to look for a job and apply to college. I went to Delta to apply but little did I know that there is a 20 dollar fee for going registration or some shit, which I didn't have. I just put my last 12 bucks into my gas tank so that started my day off terribly. I went to western to talk to a couple of my old teachers that were really more like father figures in my life rather than teachers.

Luck having grown tired of kicking me in the balls, one of them, Mr. Mindy... does landscaping as well as teaches so he's got me working for him for ten bucks an hour...tax free if ya know what I mean (I hope the FBI doesn't read this shit.....oh shit I just said FBI I probably just set off some crazy internet detector that they have for when people say shit like FBI or BOMB or Taliban...oh shit I just made it worse)

What the fuck was I talking about? Yeah so landscaping, ten bucks an hour. It's kinda nice doing some physical labor and being paid for it. It's 3-4 hours a day, for like between 5-8 day so...you do the math. It's a lot more than nothing though, I know that much.

Will Work 4 Anyone

2007-10-02T01:25:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to get in here and post an update before I forget for several months. Again.

Still jobless. I've got six bucks to put into my dangerously empty gas tank (hopefully I'll get to the gas station two minutes away) but with the beer and pop bottles I'll probably hit ten whole dollars if I'm lucky. I wanted to go out and make my last job finding hurrah tomorrow but I've been volunteered somehow to watch my brother's kids tomorrow, so it'll have to be Wednesday. Nothing comes up then, well...more walking until I find a little more dough. I'm really fuckin tired of walking around this city, by the way.

The thing that really just stomps on my fuckin ambition is that about a week ago my brother quit his job at BRS...yup..they just pushed the right button and he quit. He has a new job now. I swear... for some reason people do not hire me..anywhere...for anything.

Wanna know something that is beyond depressing? I have applied everywhere you could possibly think...I check the job ads on mlive and in the bay city times, also the bay city times website which is filled with dozens of jobs that I apparently am incapable of accomplishing. The least savory of which would be the job as janitor...at a fuckin sex shop. Yeah...I applied to be the fuckin jizz-mopper at the fuckin Love Boutique...a job that you would most certainly assume I would get...mostly because I'm almost positive no one else would want the fucking job..I know I certainly don't...but as a man sometimes you have to put your pride aside in order to get your shit on track. Nope, I'm not qualified to scrub baby batter off of dirty linoleum for minimum wage.

Seriously.

Against the Wall

2007-09-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well, things are looking a little bleak. I've got ten dollars to my name, which will be placed in the empty gas tank my car has, and then what? Well I have a nice little list of available jobs in the Bay City area and hopefully one of them will give me a job, otherwise I guess when the tank runs out I start walking around the city to find a job...fuck it I'll just pretend I'm Steve Irwin and the city is a jungle...it'll be fun.

So I'm gonna round up all the job possibilities I can find by probably Monday of next week, and I'm gonna take one day and apply everywhere I can, along with getting over to Delta to get the ball rolling on college for this winter... I don't even want to think about how that shit is gonna get paid for. I'm also gonna go see my dad. I really don't like to ask other people for anything, especially him because he has a rather long track record of saying no without ever really listening to the question...but I figure I've really got nothing to lose so I'll suck it up. I'm gonna ask him if he'll let me work around his shop, even if it's only a little bit here and there I'd take it just to keep gas in the tank so I can find a job. Hopefully he'll go for it...hell I wouldn't mind being around his shop and learning more about cars and shit because #1) As a man you should just know some shit about cars...at least the basic shit and I don't and #2) It'd be nice if we had something to connect on I mean I'm not trying to trade in my rhymebook for a tire iron but it'd be nice to be on the same level with my dad on anything. Maybe if we start workin on cars and shit like that together things'll get a little better, maybe I can finally get him out ice fishing again this winter... who knows.

I've done immense amounts of thinking lately... about anything and everything. I've always considered the way I analyze and thinking about everything as a bad thing. Anyone who knows me has heard me say that I think too much, I over-analyze everything...but I'm wondering if that's really a big thing at all. Maybe that's more of a mentality that I've given myself because I'm pessimistic. More and more I'm starting to think that rather than feeling like I think too much and over-analyze everything I've tried to put a little bit of a positive spin to it...hell I think all day everyday...I can use that to my advantage. I wanna rap...I can come up with tight lines all day and I'll just forget them, so now I write those little lines that pop into my head down at random points in the day and I can use them later. Just stupid little stuff like that that seems to give me more control over the way my life is headed..which believe me when you're bi-polar, feeling like you can control something is like having fuckin super powers.

Verse 1 of a fuckin hit

2007-09-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

Hard at work in the lab as of late. That would be why I haven't posted in a couple days which I will continue to try not to do.

As far as the Karla tip I don't really know...I still haven't heard from her whatsoever so maybe she just...will keep this going and I can focus on my music and getting my life on fuckin track instead of what the fuck is going on in her head.

Anyways, last night I completely finished and rendered the first beat that I've ever finished. I have plenty of them in the works, and plenty of them that were scrapped because they were terrible...but this is the first one I can really put on repeat and write too, which I have a little bit.

The song is verse,hook,verse,hook,verse,hook...I think. I know it's got 3 verses and at least two hooks...it's gonna be great anyways. Here's the first verse..all two hours of it. I wanna make this shit perfect. I ain't gonna make any substantial amount of money puttin out bullshit music right?

Also, you'll have to excuse me for spelling things out a little bit funny, but when I write a rap I do it a little different than anything else as I sort of spell everything the way that I need to say it in order for everything to flow right.

Only 21 n I've hit rock bottom
Everyday is just a new problem
Got all these problems and I don't know how ta solve 'em
Tryin'a climb to tha top but I keep fallen
On my hands n knees n tha dirt n I'm crawlin'
You won't catch me with a smile too often
Stone slab face with an ice cold heart
In a stone cold basement, wundrin' how it all fell apart
life is just pain, I wish I knew tha purpose
Cause so far it's seemin' like tha whole thing is worthless
No matter what I do, I'm paranoid n nervous
A single tear drop fights it's way to the surface
But look beneath the surface and see that it gets worse yet
Life is just a bunch of battles that I ain't lost yet
Believe me when I say that I don't wanna be perfect
I guess I'll just keep turnin' pain into verses

FOOTBALL!!

2007-09-06T19:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes indeed. There is no finer time of the year my friends...it's coming to the end of summer, everyone is going back to school...and giant men are being paid insane amounts of money to concuss one another. Now, I'm not sure about you but...the latter is what I'm most focused on. Football. So great.

The college game is going strong already (even though Michigan has already fucked up their chances for the year) and tonight the NFL season started with the Colts and the Saints. I hate Peyton Manning and the Colts, not to mention that I like New Orleans, and Reggie Bush is obviously great fun to watch. It's halftime now, 10-7 Saints but who knows what'll happen in the second half so far I think both teams have been a little underwhelming.

Just to keep you updated on the Karla situation I actually haven't talked to her in a couple days. She was supposed to call me last night and never did so I just went to bed. Today I haven't heard anything of her so I don't really know what is going on. Maybe she's rethinking things...I don't know but after a little bit of pondering I'm a little embarassed at how much of a bitch she makes me act like...I can't sit by the phone and wait for a booty call all night. I can't be consumed by someone who isn't a girlfriend...and really not a girlfriend prospect..simply a sex partner. I can't keep letting this bug me out. Can not.

Easier said than done. But I always go down trying.

A topsy-turvey ride through what the fuck am I doing

2007-09-03T05:40:00.000-07:00

Things have gotten what I would describe as severely interesting since the last post. I met up with Karla yesterday, after having a several long phone conversations with her, and it's been made very apparent that she wants to be friends with benefits. Her being the only person I've ever laid the proverbial smack on, and the last time being when the ground was still covered in snow, I'm pretty much just running with it at the moment, but I definitely still have a lot of emotional feelings towards her. Honestly, what I'd really like to do is just tell her what I feel about her, and to tell her that her dumbass boyfriend (who she is only with because she feels like she has to be because of their daughter) isn't what she needs and never will be; I'm not saying I am but honestly I care about her to the point where I think she should just be by herself is she really wants to figure out what she's gonna do with herself and her life...figure out how to lose her fuckin parasite boyfriend.

Now what I should do is call her up and tell her exactly that... but I won't. I won't because I'm petrified to. The feeling I get when I'm with her (and I"m not necessarily talking about when one of us is on our backs either) is just something that I can't bring myself to willingly put an end to. Yesterday we went to the riverwalk and sat under a willow tree by the water and just talked and cuddled and shit and it was perfect... I've missed that for so long that I don't really think I could bring myself to throw it out the window. Then again, I know that eventually she'll probably begin to get these thoughts that maybe Ryan is going to change/is changing and she'll more than likely leave me blowing in the wind again...it's like I can choose whether or not I win the battles, but ultimately I already know that I've lost the war so...I don't know what the fuck the point is.

Where the Fuck!...Did She Come From

2007-09-01T00:41:00.000-07:00

Okay well...interesting day somewhat. Didn't really do much today other than fuck around on my 360 ( I swear I play with that thing so much my dick must be jealous) and watch sportcenter and well...a handful of other things that are also not really worth taking the time to type anything about them.

I ran into Sarah upstairs ( for the uninitiated, Sarah is my brother's fiance, probably the favorite family member I have) and she of course like the rest of my family thinks that I'm not looking for a job. I have 250 in my pocket and that's probably gonna turn into hustle money so I have some fuckin money around until I find a job. Honestly I just want to go back to hustling cause it's so fuckin quick, such easy money...but then it's always drama that comes with that too. I guess I'd just rather not do it unless I have to so we'll see. I did look up a bunch of jobs in the paper today, hardly a lot that I'd be able to get or qualify for, but there are 3-4 that I'm gonna check out that I think I might be able to get. Hopefully.

Made a pretty good beat today on fruity loops. It's not done but it's definitely an improvement on what I started out making. I think that's one of things I love most about this rap shit, It's something that I can listen to and know for a fact that I'm getting better at it. A lot of people stumble through shit and hope they got it right and I've really been trying to use this to put myself into the mindstate of, "okay, I'm gonna sit here and fuck with this until I get what I want and it sounds how I want it to sound." Like I said it's not a totally finished beat, I still need to figure out something a little different for the chorus and probably find a slick way to end it up and then maybe I'll start writing something to eat....maybe I'm not as far away from doing some of my own beats for my own songs as I thought I was.

Now as some of you may know I was in a pretty serious relationship with a girl named Karla. Now if you don't know me, know that I'm probably the most emotionally charged person you will meet. Now we dated for a few months, but it was pretty intense, everyday, allday, type dating. You know, the kind that ruins relationships. Anyways, I woke up at the buttcrack of 3 o'clock in the fuckin morning today and hop on the computer to check out what's goin on with the internet and I have several instant messages waiting for me from, you guessed it, KarlaDawn19. I still think of her all the time, nearly everyday. I still cry sometimes when I think about how much I miss being with her and how happy I was back then. I've purposely distanced myself from her because although the plan was to be friends and all that, the few conversations we've had since then haven't exactly been friendly. I just don't have the ability to go from...almost feeling like I'm married to someone...and then going all the way back to square one.

Anyways the messages...I don't know. I know that I read way too much into everything. I always overanalyze everything...and I make things much bigger than they are. But I know her...the way she wrote them and just the vibe I get from the whole thing...I hope it's what I hope it is..let me just say that.

karla dawn 19: i have had a sudden urge to see how you are doing....

karla dawn 19: call me sometime......if you forgot it...its...***-****

Status - Not Too Damn Good

2007-08-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while. I stopped writing anything other than music once I started rapping which, yes, I am still all about the rap game. Me, Chris, and Stephen P are still grindin' and makin our music and it's the best thing I think that has ever happened to me, definitely the best thing to come into my life that I can remember.

I no longer work for the McMan. I quit McDiddy's and was working at Jet's (delivering pizzas) but I got hoed outta that job and I really was loving that job, too. I did a small amount of things at that job okay let's count them.

1. Smoke copious amounts of kill
2. Drive around Bay City listenin' to music
3. Make money

Seriously loved that job, but oh well... hopefully everything happens for a reason like they all say, but I will remain my pessimistic self until I'm proven wrong on that one.

On a more positive note, I think I've truly decided on what I want to go to college for, which I am going to start college in January, that is a promise, if to no one else to myself. I'm going to go for some form of writing but I really don't know what exactly because quite honestly, I don't really know what fields exactly are available. I guess just as long as I'm getting paid to write it can't be all that bad whatever it is.

I just thought about what I do normally, when I don't really have shit to do and I'm bored or what have you and I came up with a decent list but...

1. Smoke weed. I...well if I can make money not only whilst smoking dro but more specifically being -paid- to smoke it...please do let me know. Simply not a choice here.

2. Gaming. Everyone knows that as much as I try to keep it in the closet I'm a gamer nerd. It's me, I can admit it. I've always thought about doing something in maybe game development or maybe computer repair because I like electronics and fuckin with computers and whatnot but to do it everyday, for the better majority of my life? I don't think circuit boards or Windows Vista can keep me motivated until I die at 40-something.

3. Writing. Well, I write rhymes at least an hour everyday, many days I write for 2-3 hour periods at a time. I've always loved writing, I started writing poetry at around 11 or 12 probably, been writing game reviews since I was 15, always was good at it, and it's one of very few things that I can do pretty much endlessly and not get tired of it.

So, I figure as much as I already do write, I should still be devoting a bit more of myself to writing, and getting better at writing. So, I'm going to (and I do mean this) post in this blog everyday. It may only be a little paragraph, hell I might only post a sentence or two, but I will post everyday. I'm also going to try to keep myself diverse ( I put that in there so that people like Cuban would read this and think, "Did this fuckin douchebag just call himself 'diverse'? what a fucking douchebag") by doing a few other things. I'm gonna make a conscious effort to make sure that I write not only more rhymes, but more different shit. I need to practice writing from different perspectives, writing with a story in mind, writing to a beat, writing without a beat, just all different methods that I wanna try and improve upon. I'm also gonna start writing game reviews again, which I haven't been doing for a while because I've been solely devoted to writing music.

But I'll end it for now. Sorry this thing is so bland, I just threw it together real quick but I'll try and give it a little flavor soon.