Better...much better..

Alright so I finally....fina-fucking-ly.....I got the tele-marketing job back. (does the cabbage patch) I started last thursday but only as part time. This thursday they'll finally realized I'm the best tele-marketer in the history of people pissing other people off via the telephone.

I'm also dreadfully close to having a room. I hate that couch so fuckin much...I don't mind sleeping on a couch, any couch other than this one. It's like it fuckin...has an over under it that knows when you're about to fall asleep and then automatically cranks up to 300 degrees.

Oh...and I got my first check yesterday...only for 8 hours worth of work but it's fifty bucks more than I've had in a minute.

And I got a sack!!! First sack I've bought in months!! And it looks like some shit straight outta High Times magazine..crazy shit.

Family...

First, just a general update on the life. Still haven't gotten a for sure answer on the tele-marketing job, but I call the girl that hires tomorrow so hopefully that goes well.

Bedroom is still not my bedroom which is really got me agitated...closer to being empty so I'm hoping it'll be empty so I can clean it and finally get my shit moved in this weekend.

Now to the meat of the post...I've had a little bit of a revelation over the last few days. I don't have much to do around here at the moment but to think, and I already do that plenty so lately I've really been in analyze mode...and I've been thinking about everything. Now, I've never really gotten along that well with my family, and I've always pretty much hidden the real me from not only my family but from just about every person I know... several reasons such as non-existent self-esteem, being as introverted as I am..and just I guess thinking that people wouldn't like the real me...I try to show them the me they want to see.

Since I was a kid there has been a slowly unfolding time line of my family just...decintegrating before my eyes. I can pick apart the times, the events, I can play them back like a movie in my mind and literally watch my families bond just rip to pieces. My parents never really got along so well, always fightin and shit but they held it together for a really long time for us kids...something they shouldn't have done but ever since then it's all just fallen apart.

My mom and dad don't talk...my brother doesn't talk to my dad or my sister and hardly talks to my mom...but in this all there is a common ally so to speak. Me. The black sheep of the family. I'm nothing like anyone in my family... but in a way that's made it possible for me to maintain contact with everyone. For a long time I hated my dad...and I didn't see or talk to him or my sister. My sister's boyfriend is ...well he's a d-bag.

Now...having mulled over everything that has happened with my family I, as corny as it sounds, have a bit of a revelation while watching "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins" with my sister and her boyfriend(Tom) tonight.

I can try to show them a front that isn't really me. I can avoid them or write them off as a loss. Hell I could start hustlin again right now, be outta my dads house in a month and never see or speak to any of them again in my life. But, that'll never change the fact that they are my family. That'll never change the fact that regardless of how much we piss each other off or how much we become disconnected that I love them, and they love me.

I think a lot about my grandpa VanHaaren these days... I didn't visit him like I should've, I didn't see him or call him or talk to him as much as I should've. But everytime I needed money or a place to stay...he was always there. He was the toughest, meanest old man you'll ever meet so he didn't let me stay for free nor did he just throw me money....I worked my ass off for every penny and he made damn sure of it. I'm never gonna let that happen again.

I'm not going to allow my family to pull themselves away from me... I'm not going to see another family member of mine pass away and have to regret not having stopped by to play bones or throw spades or just bullshit enough. I'm not going to ever live with that feeling again, thinking about how much I might've missed how...how much I could've learned and gained from that person whether it be my brother, sister, mom, dad, cousin, uncle.

I've fucked up thus far, but I refuse to live in fear of losing those people who are truly there for you regardless of whether or not you have been there as of late without having known them. There's a rule that you learn growing up where I grow up, and growing up with the people that I grew up with, and that rule is that you take care of those who take care of you. I slipped on that...that's for sure..but no more.

And while I didn't spend as much time with him as I should've...I think maybe this is what I was supposed to get out of my relationship with my grandpa V...maybe I had to fuck that one up to know to never let that happen again.

I. Hate. Waiting.

Alright so...now I'm stayin at my pop's. Not the greatest thing to happen to me in a while since I don't get along with 3/4 people that live in this house, and I can't stand my dad's cumbucket's kids...but it is nice to have a place to call "home" again. Or at least until the guy kicks me out again...that's always in the back of my head since it would only be what the...fuck I've lost count but it's happened enough for me to know that I need to watch my step or it's gonna happen again.

In the meantime half of my clothes are in Saginaw at my mom's, pretty much everything I own is on the other side of town at my brother's house, and I'm just bouncing from borrowed space to borrowed space until shit starts clearing itself up.

That's one thing I can't live without. Space. I -need- space. Most of you know me well enough to know that I'm a pretty solitary being. I don't completely seclude myself from the world (close to it but not completely) but I need to have my own space. I need to be able to shut a door and not have anyone around me to read or write songs, make beats, itch my nuts, whatever it is. This is a problem because I currently sleep on the couch and the room that is going to be mine is still piled halfway to the ceiling with car parts. Fantastic.

The only space I get is right now, when everyone is sleeping and I only get that for a short time because my dads woman-thing gets up at like fuckin quarter to three in the morning. She doesn't work until five thirty in the morning but you know how important it is to prepare yourself for a hard day of dropping fries at the local Burger King.

I've actually been waiting all day just to blog. Isn't that a touch sad? I guess rather than actually talking to real people I wait until they're all zombified and talk to the internet.

And I still am waiting to hear what's what about getting my job back at CDI. It's really starting to worry me actually. My cousin called me Sunday and said she would get ahold of me Monday and setup an interview and here I am, six minutes into Wednesday and I haven't heard a fuckin thing from her. I guess I'm gonna try calling up there again tomorrow or if I have to walking up there and seeing what the fuck is going on. Whether I have a job or not I just would like to know what the hell is going on.

Heh, wouldnt' that be a beautiful twist at this point... that'd give the old pop's a good enough reason to jump up my ass on a daily basis.

And believe it or not...I'm being rather positive about the whole thing...nowhere to go but up...although up could be up in flames...

A Long Awaited Return

Soo.... it's been more than a while.

I don't plan to detail everything that has happened since my last post so many months ago, mostly because most of it isn't good and I doubt you all would want to read the majority of it. But I'll summarize if for nothing else than to appease myself.

-Lost job
-Lost Car (soon to get it back though)
-Nearly died (have a 1500 dollar hospital bill to prove it...not to mention a severly tender asshole)
-Got a couple tickets which have now turned into a warrant
-Got kicked out of my brother's place (Now staying with mi madre again.. soon to be staying with pops)
-Put out the first mixtape from Boss Up Records entitled, "Trapped In Muzik" (Get at me if you want a copy..best five dollars you'll ever spend)

That's about where we're at right now. I went today and talked to my cousin Tiffany about getting my job back at this tele-marketing place I was working at towards the end of last year. It's really fun job believe it or not, and she's the manager so she said that I just need to turn in my app today and I will probably get called tomorrow and be working at the latest by Monday.

God damn I love money. Too bad it's all gonna go to bills and paybacks for quite a while. Oh well, I'll have a job, my car back within a month or two, a place to stay....three things I haven't had for the last six months or so.

Music-wise things are going pretty well. I've come lightyears from where I started in every possible area - lyrics, wordplay, beats, creativity, originality, structure...just overall knowing what I need to do and knowing what sounds good and how to make it that way. We've also got quite a few new artists on the label, RockStar Boi and some of his boys outta Saginaw have been puttin in a lot of work lately. We're working on out next mixtape which we're hoping to have out in the fall/winter entitled, "The Boss Up Army" and both Franchize(Chris) and myself are working on our own solo albums. No real time table on the solo projects...I'm really not trying to rush anything I want everything to be perfect...you only get one chance to make a first impression so I'm comin out swinging.

I'll be blogging more frequently now...I'm not gonna lie to myself again and say I'll write everyday but rather being a bit more realistic and saying at least once a week. I actually missed this quite a bit...I don't know why but it's somewhat like a self-therapy to me...I'm not necessarily talking to anyone or "getting it off my chest" to anyone but the simple fact that I know somone is reading this and hearing my words is comforting. Hmm... that gives me an idea...

Depressed

Yeah, so what's new? How does rock bottom get lower and lower every single day...

I don't really have much to say. Actually I have a million things to say but I don't think anyone wants to read more depressing shit from me.

I really, -really- miss Kim and Joy. More than words can portray.

And to make my day even better I've lost the poem that I wrote when I got back from visiting them in California that I was going to post. One of my favorite pieces I've ever written.

Fuck life.